If you’re reading this, yay me, I have a following! I am going to document as much as I am able to about my journey through motherhood while I pursue my dreams of surrogacy. My only disclaimer is this, if you don’t have an open mind, please feel free to stop reading. No hate, or moronic comments need be shared here. No grammar police either, this is real and raw, and sometimes real and raw happens at 4am while I’m nursing a baby or praying that my toddler will fall back asleep. If you are here in support, or out of curiosity, then welcome and enjoy.
I have always had the desire to do something big for another human being. I don’t think I realized that that “something big” would be surrogacy until I became a mother in 2014.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Lucy, I was completely in love, and I found myself obsessed with all things pregnancy and baby. What to expect was merely an appetizer for my eager, newly pregnant appetite.On Fridays when I would enter a new week in my pregnancy, I would scour the internet, devouring the same information from site after site about fetal development for that week. In my spare time between two jobs, I shopped. Carters, target, babies r us, my daughter had enough for ten babies ! The day Lucy was born, I found myself so unprepared for both how small, and how big her birth made me feel. Small in the sense that I couldn’t believe after months of reading and preparation, and years of nannying, I found myself completely scared shitless of all 8 pounds of sweet baby girl they placed on my chest. I mean, didn’t they know I just survived a 32 hour induction, and I was a pitocin zombie? Didn’t they know the weight of what ifs, and the fear of the unknown weighed about a thousand pounds on top of my exhausted body? Clearly all of that prep I had done and the classes I had taken did nothing! I wonder if anyone has ever requested a refund for those classes after the fact, ya know, when they got home and realized that sweet bassinet with the pink flowered sheet next to the bed would never EVER hold a sleeping baby in it. Why the hell would anyone trust me to hold such a fragile being?! Big. Big in the sense that despite my trepidation, I have never been so swallowed whole with love for anything in my life. I was in awe at the capacity my heart had to stretch so big in just a matter of minutes. My body made this beautiful little person. My body made those dazzling, deep as the ocean baby blue eyes, everything I have endured over the last 10 months has been for this moment right here. I know, you’ve heard this before… But it truly is that life changing… That… Big.
I am not a patient human being, and admittedly as my daughter grows older, I have seen that particularly undesirable quality rear its ugly head more than I care to admit. I have to remind myself constantly that my frustrations with motherhood have been, and will continue to be, the frustrations others experience…as long as there are children to be raised. In spite of my own short comings, I absolutely love being a mother. My children are the most fascinating, beautiful, loving little sponges, I am so lucky I get to be their mother.
Casey and I decided when Lucy was nine months old that we would like to have our kids close in age. Immediately, I was pregnant with our son, Charlie. My first appointment with Charlie reminded me of just how big and small this process can be. The doctor came in to do the first sonogram, and I was crushed when I was told there was no heartbeat or visible baby. I was told to come back in two weeks, I was reassured that things would probably be fine, but still I found myself in a puddle of tears holding a sonogram that showed me nothing. The paper that proclaimed I was in fact pregnant, felt like a razor blade clenched beneath my fist. I cried everyday for two weeks, I prayed, I consulted girlfriends, and poured my heart and tears into hour long phone calls with my mom. Two weeks later, the melody of Charlie’s heartbeat filled the room, and my nurse practitioner, whom I’d only just met, folded me into the biggest hug and said “this baby is here to stay, you can be happy now.”
The questions few will ask to your face.
So, is the money like, really good, or what?
Truthfully, it’s the “or what?” That gets me every time. It’s as if throwing that on the end of the question takes away the large, accusatory, you’re just money hungry, finger pointed at my face. The answer? No, the money isn’t “really good” the money is irrelevant. I don’t feel like any dollar amount would be “really good”, not for the amazing gift both the prospective family and myself are getting from this process. If the money were the motivation, I think I’d sooner rob a bank and cut out the middle man, which in my case is having to pee every fourty three seconds, and gaining what I tell myself is 18 pounds… (It’s really closer to 30 😜).
Are you really going to be able to give the baby up?
Well, given that the baby WILL NOT genetically be my child, yes, yes I will be able to give the baby up. If you take all of the emotion out of the equation, I’m merely a greenhouse. Of course I will get attached, of course a part of me will always love this baby. Of course. Life is a gift, at the end of this journey there are no take backs, or do overs. The end of my journey in surrogacy will yield the beginning of forever, the start of a family, that’s beautiful.
Do you just really like being pregnant?
The answer? YES. YES. YES. I love it. I love hearing the heartbeat of a new life play its chorus triumphantly upon being discovered. I love the tiny movements, and even the bigger painful ones. I love them because they are a reminder of just how unique and miraculous life is. I love watching my body change as it forms another, this so far, has been my favorite season of life. The season of life in the name of others.
I meet with the surrogacy center next month so they can decide if the sweet family smiling brightly in the pictures I sent them is really going to be able to handle this journey. It’s like the biggest job interview of my life. An interview that I regrettably will have to find something other than yoga pants and a formerly white nursing tank top to wear. Until then, thanks for reading, Stay tuned…